I moved away from my family.
I created a family out of friends in a new area.
I met a girl, we didn't leave eachothers sides.
We became dependant on eachother, NEEDING eachothers company.
My friends didn't like her, so I didn't hang out with them as much.
She left, I got her to come back.
We would fight . . . ,we would make up.
We went through too much to explain in the time we were together.
It ended.
I had abbondon my family to be with her.
I had abbandon my friends to be with her.
I was alone. Truly alone.
We had been in our new apartment for a month when she left.
I had never lived by myself. I was also starting a six month program while i worked 40 hrs a week . . . graveyard.
I had dreams about her every day . . . normally i don't remember dreams.
I was paranoid . . . afraid that while i was at work, she was getting into my place, stealing my things. Afraid that stealing my heart and burning it before my eyes wasn't good enough for her. While she didn't steal any of my belongings, I had allowed myself to continue talking to her, even though she had stolen my heart, and betrayed my trust. This lead to her needing a place to stay, i let her in, she hurt me again.
I cried myself to sleep. Wondering how someone could live with themselves after doing such things. I would read old letters she wrote talking of our future together. I would read them and scream at the top of my lungs,
I would read them and cry,
I would read them and punch 'till out of breath,
I would read them and wish i could change what had happened. At first i would wish i could have changed her, or what she had done. Only focusing on what she had done to me.
Then I realized that it takes two.
I had done things that I could have done better. As I said, I was in a program at this time and one of the things we had to say sometimes was the serenity prayer. . .
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I annalyzed this a lot then. Realizing that I couldn't change her, or what she chose to do.
I could only change myself, and work on the things in my life that I saw could use some work. I had help recognizing and realizing my faults, which i needed. And I am glad now that I had such an experience.

This breakup was . . . wow . . . coming up on two years . . . ago, and i still feel so alone. I haven't had anything I would call serious since. I don't find myself missing her any more (which is good), but I find myself . . . well . . . I still clutch a pillow sometimes so that I can fall asleep. Or I sometimes I look at old photos and memory's, thinking of the good times. I still long for someone very very much, which I think scares girls. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard for me to just go with the flow of a new relationship. I feel like I'm bursting at the seems trying not to show too much love too early or seem too clingy. Which girls don't want (at least none that I seem to find). Even my friends sometimes confuse or misunderstand the love i have for them. Which makes me feel more alone. I am confused, lost in translation. What to do? How can I express myself and be understood? . . . completely understood. I guess we all just want someone to understand us completely . . .